It's been a wild ride for me, and many of us, over the last month -- lots of ups, lots of downs.
In my last post I shared that I was feeling called to do a "spring cleanse" coaching group which evolved into the SHINE program - a 6 week program for women including Dancing Freedom, group Transformational Coaching, and ritual. We are making space in our lives for our creative energy to flow, and clearing out anything that isn't bringing us joy. It is going on week three tomorrow. I feel honored to have 8 beautiful women joining me to go through this journey together. I am consistently amazed that we are all going through unique but similar stories and how much it helps just to speak and have someone listen, or to just listen to someone else's story and realize that you are not alone.
In my own life, I am transitioning from managing merge, a restaurant I co-own with my sister in Buffalo, NY. I am not sure exactly how my new life will look, but I am moving towards doing the healing work and Dancing Freedom that I love sharing. I have wavered between merge and other projects over the entire 7 years that I have been working there. I have left for several months at a time, needing space and new energy to reflect on my life, and yet I kept getting drawn back, wanting or maybe needing to control merge, where I had put so much of my energy and my time. But it simply wasn't sustainable for me, it wasn't nourishing my soul the way that healing work does... and I wasn't happy, which is never a thing that can be forced, I'm discovering.
Over the last month my body has been physically in pain... speaking to me first softly then quite loudly about slowing down and listening to my truth, pushing me to breathe a little deeper, listen a little more intently, to be more present. This has caused me quite a bit of fear. I actually thought I was dying a couple times... I have a history of anxiety, panic attacks, and depression. But recently I found that when I am most scared, if I close my eyes, lay down, and tune into my body there is a deep peace inside of me. It's all the chaos around me that I get scared of. But, as a friend mentioned to me last night if we "embrace the chaos" we can find peace within it.
For many years I have carried a lot of shame and guilt about not being enough, not being able to run the restaurant and be happy and free, and when I did have time to do art not making enough because I was left feeling uninspired. I have continued to work with my own coach and gotten really clear that felt like I needed to "save" the restaurant or in general come back to Buffalo to bring all the beauty and healing work I found here and "save" the city. But the truth is, we can never change anyone who doesn't want to be changed. If there is no energy there, why fight it? Why not go where the current is strong and let myself be carried instead of battling my way upstream?
I'm taking a new leap, which feels very vulnerable. But I'm putting myself out there as a healer, as an artist, as a dancer. The voices in my head say "who are you to be any of those?" but I am reminded of the quote I shared on this site, resolvetoevolve.me, when I first started it:
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
- Marianne Williamson
Here's to feeling the fear and doing it anyways.
Blessings to you -- thanks for sharing the journey.
Comments are welcome always.
Posted on Sun, June 14, 2015
by Eliza Schneider